Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Weight-Loss Woes

I have never been thin. I was a normal sized kid but after I turned 9, I was always the little girl that was 15 pounds overweight. My parents got divorced when I was 9 and my Mom went from working one job to knocking out two for awhile. She tried her best to still cook healthy meals on a daily basis but one person can only do so much. As soon as she realized I was gaining weight, she cut one of the jobs she was working and tried to get me back on the right track.

Enter the long diet phase. For as long as I can remember I have been on a diet. I would lose a little weight here and there but somehow put it back on. I remember having exercising sessions with my mother in grade school; she grew up in a house where she couldn't eat certain foods as a teen because her mother told her she should always "think 6". This might have caused her to be a little lax with me at times. I even started playing sports in middle school but somehow that extra 15 pounds never shed from my body. I grew to accept that I would never be thin.

Over the years, that 15 pounds grew to 20, 40, 60 pounds etc. Now, I am at my all time highest weight but I am not about to have a Kirstie Alley moment and share the number with the entire world. In my early twenties, I was a size 12 and I got comfortable at that size. I still occasionally dieted because I think I am truly addicted to being on any new magical diet that will cause me to lose 20 pounds in 10 days without lifting a finger.

As a new birthday rolled around, more weight piled on. Just like every other overweight person, a recent photo let me see how my weight really has gotten out of hand. Over the holidays, I saw extended family and all anyone could say for the entire trip was, "Oh my God, you got so fat". Unfortunately, my family does not mince words. Although I do find it rather peculiar that people are so quick to point out your short-comings without examining theirs first. But I will leave that topic for another blog on another day. I do want to lose the weight and live a healthy lifestyle; yet something stops me from banishing the weight once and for all.

I think I have grown attached to seeing myself as an overweight person. It's been with me longer than any friend I have to date. At this stage, it's wrapped into my identity. Sometimes I think that losing the weight will be like losing apart of myself. But for now, losing the extra weight also represents the final stage of becoming an adult. I'm responsible in many areas of my life and I mentally matured much faster than many of my peers. The extra weight sort of turned into a way for me to hold on to that invincible mentality we tend to have as a child. They always say that being overweight is never about the food; it's always about something deeper. In my case, I guess it's not being sure of who I will be once that part of me is gone.

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