One of my good friends has been obsessed with Valentine's Day since we were teens. We didn't have boyfriends in high-school so every year on V-day, she wanted to fake a cold and skip school so she wouldn't have to see all of the flowers, teddy-bears and chocolates strolling the hallways. I guess she figured there was no need of being reminded that she wasn't getting any romantic gestures made towards her on that day. Since high-school, she has still dreaded V-day and became a scrooge for the holiday; until this year.
Last week she mentioned Valentine's nonchalantly over email and how she thought it would be nice to spend it with someone special but wasn't going to get all bent out of shape if that didn't happen. She was looking forward to her Mom's annual gift and a fun night out with the girls. I was a bit surprised at her positive tone but gladly welcomed it. I was expecting the usual cursing every happy couple that crossed her way attitude which always made me laugh. Then today, she sent me a V-day ecard and seemed to be all smiles over email. Turns out a special someone did give her some treats today for V-day but I don't think that's sums up the reason for her happiness. She recently wrote an uplifting story about recognizing that she has been surrounded by love from so many people for so long and feeling blessed because of it. Her once cynical attitude has changed into a fairly postive one. I love seeing my friend really come into her own; she has put a smile on my face because I see her growing for the better.
So on this day of love, I say love, accept and cherish who you are because in the end, that's all that really matters. Happy Valentine's Day!!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Here's to change ( A shout-out if you will)
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Can I live a "Clean" Lifestyle?
I think we all have the cut off age where you swear to yourself that you will start living more healthily. Mine was always 29. So now that being 29 has set into my psyche nice and well, I have started to take steps towards living a more "clean" lifestyle. First stop was the doctor yesterday. I hadn't had a physical in god knows how long. As soon I walked into the doctor's office, I got scared to death. All of my usual calm is generally left at the admitting doors waiting to attach back to me after I leave the clinic. In the back of mind, I think that clinics and hospitals are the places where bad news is a common reality and where dreams go to die. Fellow patients always look a little dejected and worrisome as they are waiting to be set free from their delirium.
Unexplainable recent fatigue and exhaustion prompted the doctor's vist yesterday. Usually I am a ball of energy regardless if I am tired or rested. But lately, everything I do has made me ready to pass out on the floor and sleep for days. Of course, every imaginable disease ran through my head as I waited to be called. What if this, what if that ran circles around my brain. It's funny how we think we are invincible until we get sick. Then all of sudden, you start cursing yourself for every unhealthy thing you do with repentance.
There are many unhealthy habits that I continue to hold on to, but the main one is smoking. I have smoked for far too long and it's time to rid this bad habit out of my daily lifestyle. When the doctor looked at my chart yesterday, she said, "I see here that you smoke. Well, it doesn't hurt to stop". So I quit smoking as of two hours ago. I had to finish the last pack this morning with my coffee. Me and Marlboro had some good times together but eventually the bad times will start to show its ugly face. I felt like I was saying goodbye to a dangerous lover; the feeling of loving something that is not good for you but not wanting to let go. Next stop on the road to healthy living will be trying out Veganism for a month!! Can't wait to see how that goes.
For now, I have to wait on my blood tests to come back before I can fully relax and know that I am still in good health. I still worry that the cigarettes, unhealthy eating and lack of exercise has done some irreversible damage but tis better to change these habits now while I am still young than when I am old.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Unspeakable Joy
Last week I completed my first session volunteering at the homeless shelter. I didn't know what to expect when I arrived but I was ready and willing to do whatever. The night started off with prayer and then we got down to work.
I was placed on Kitchen Duty;I prepared the tables with water and silverware. I worked alongside former homeless men who are currently in a program that helps get them off of the street. They were definitely the happiest bunch of people I have seen in a very long time. Not one person complained about his less than glamorous job of fulfilling the kitchen tasks.
They didn't even complain about their current lot in life. If anything, they seemed to be so full of joy and hope of what the future holds for them. One talked about buying a house one day and one talked about being able to see his kids on a regular basis after they got out of the program. Their joyful spirit couldn't help but to rub off on me and for the first time in a long time, I didn't think about my past failures in life nor did I think about my current problems. I was simply content and for the two hours I spent at the shelter that night, I wanted nothing more and nothing less.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Is Chemistry Important?
I am a true Sex & City addict. I can quote damn near half the show but I keep tuning in on a nightly basis to see the many quirks of pseudo real life situations they portray in the dating world. In one episode, Carrie talked about a certain relationship missing the "zsa zsa zsa voom". In other words, it was missing the chemistry and the passion. Here in lies the age old question of, "Is chemistry really that important to sustain a successful relationship?"
A friend once told me that chemistry is overrated; she said you don't need it to have a happy relationship with someone. She thinks there are so many wonderful qualities that people bring to relationships that we are so willing to dismiss if the chemistry is lacking. This might make sense to some but not to me.
For me, chemistry is one of the most important things to have in a relationship. If it is lacking and everything else is good on paper, I will dimiss the person. It is such a wonderful thing when you can strongly connect with a stranger and become left speechless as to why you connect.
Only a certain few men have conjured up the "zsa zsa zsa voom" in me that invoked the "Where have you been all of my life" feeling. If I don't feel the "zsa zsa zsa voom", then I simply place them in the friend category or the psuedo-relationship category. A pseudo-relationship looks like a real relationship but it's not. You go to dinner, movies, coffeshops, museums, have sex but you never decide to be a couple. The decision to not be a couple lies in the lack of chemistry between the two parties. At least in my head, this is the reason.
If chemistry is not important, what is? Do we trade in chemistry and passion for money, sex, fame, security, fear of being alone? Maybe for some, these things really do outweigh the chemistry connection. Even my pseudo-relationships are just trade-ins for when the real chemistry does come along. A simple waiting period to make life not seem so dull. Everytime I find myself with any of the psuedo-relationship guys, I try to convince myself that chemistry is overrated but it never works. My memories of the "zsa zsa zsa voom" feeling eventually over takes me and makes me keep waiting and watching for Mr. Chemistry to walk into my life.
This question will never die and other bloggers will bring new meaning to it I'm sure. I guess there is no good way to end this blog but to say, to each their own...
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Weight-Loss Woes
I have never been thin. I was a normal sized kid but after I turned 9, I was always the little girl that was 15 pounds overweight. My parents got divorced when I was 9 and my Mom went from working one job to knocking out two for awhile. She tried her best to still cook healthy meals on a daily basis but one person can only do so much. As soon as she realized I was gaining weight, she cut one of the jobs she was working and tried to get me back on the right track.
Enter the long diet phase. For as long as I can remember I have been on a diet. I would lose a little weight here and there but somehow put it back on. I remember having exercising sessions with my mother in grade school; she grew up in a house where she couldn't eat certain foods as a teen because her mother told her she should always "think 6". This might have caused her to be a little lax with me at times. I even started playing sports in middle school but somehow that extra 15 pounds never shed from my body. I grew to accept that I would never be thin.
Over the years, that 15 pounds grew to 20, 40, 60 pounds etc. Now, I am at my all time highest weight but I am not about to have a Kirstie Alley moment and share the number with the entire world. In my early twenties, I was a size 12 and I got comfortable at that size. I still occasionally dieted because I think I am truly addicted to being on any new magical diet that will cause me to lose 20 pounds in 10 days without lifting a finger.
As a new birthday rolled around, more weight piled on. Just like every other overweight person, a recent photo let me see how my weight really has gotten out of hand. Over the holidays, I saw extended family and all anyone could say for the entire trip was, "Oh my God, you got so fat". Unfortunately, my family does not mince words. Although I do find it rather peculiar that people are so quick to point out your short-comings without examining theirs first. But I will leave that topic for another blog on another day. I do want to lose the weight and live a healthy lifestyle; yet something stops me from banishing the weight once and for all.
I think I have grown attached to seeing myself as an overweight person. It's been with me longer than any friend I have to date. At this stage, it's wrapped into my identity. Sometimes I think that losing the weight will be like losing apart of myself. But for now, losing the extra weight also represents the final stage of becoming an adult. I'm responsible in many areas of my life and I mentally matured much faster than many of my peers. The extra weight sort of turned into a way for me to hold on to that invincible mentality we tend to have as a child. They always say that being overweight is never about the food; it's always about something deeper. In my case, I guess it's not being sure of who I will be once that part of me is gone.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Defining Labels
This week was the first week she was alone in her apartment sans boyfriend. She happily said, "I felt like a real single woman for the first time in my life last night because I stocked my fridge with alcohol and then watched When Harry Met Sally!!". In return I said, "So, you think I am a lush that watches romantic comedies on a nightly basis?" Insert lots of laughter from the both of us. No, this doesn't sum up her entire viewpoint of single life but her little saying definitely got my brain off and running. Do we really base our lifestyles on being single vs. coupled?
When a person is single he/she makes all of their decisions on their own and never thinks to consult with anyone before choosing an activity to partake in. If a friend calls asking to go play cards at some random cousin's best friend's house on a Saturday night, he/she is ready and willing. However, when people are coupled, they give up a little bit of their autonomy to the "relationship" and no longer choose to go play cards at the drop of a hat. Sometimes their personal interests literally seem to fly out the window once they have a partner by their side. People go back and forth throughout their lives from living single lifestyles to living coupled lifestyles. Why do we have to put a label in front of the lifestyle we are living?
Another friend recently said that although he likes dating, he doesn't like being in a "couple" for the very reason I just pointed out. He doesn't want to change his "I" status to a "We" status because of the negative stipulations it presents. He doesn't want anyone cracking down on his time with the boys so he prefers to fly solo. Which makes me wonder why our independent nature has to get stifled in relationships?
Sometimes we choose to stifle it and other times, we are forced to stifle it. In either case, I think it shouldn't be stifled at all because what if one day you wake up and can't even find it anymore. Maybe I am thinking too long and hard on one little funny comment a friend made but I think I am on to something with re-examining how we choose to define our lifestyle.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Lending a Hand
About a week ago, I went to a volunteer orientation at a homeless shelter in downtown LA. I used to volunteer when I was younger and I have recently been compelled to jump back into it as an adult. It was quite interesting walking around the shelter and seeing what they do for the homeless there. It almost felt like a jail but obviously with less restrictions. What I like most is that this shelter has a special program that lasts for 18 months that teaches them the necessary skills to re-enter into society. The director said only about half of the people that walk through their doors actually enter the program; half is better than none. For many of them, the program is a way to stop abusing drugs while others use it to get their GED. The director said the shelter is their last stop on a long road to recovery.
This void along with other voids I have nursed throughout the years has caused me to fall into a trap of getting too caught up in my own life. It's hard not to fall into this trap because no one else but you can make your life turn into the perfect vision you envision it to be. But now I am beginning to think I have enough time to grow my life as well as help grow someone else's life; or at least I can try. I just have to abandon the "me" parade thinking first. Everything has been about me, myself and I for far too long. I didn't realize I had become so self-absorbed until one day last month, I just got sick of whining to myself about me and my wants. I had an epiphany and thought, what if I transfer all of this "I want a relationship" energy into something else. I'm sure you can tell I am one of those, "Everything happens in your life for a reason" kind of gals. Maybe if I had my perfect life already, I wouldn't have even thought to take this path to the shelter. For now, the shelter is my first stop on a long road to helping myself as well as helping others.
