Back in April, I talked about seeing a ghost from my past when I was perusing dating websites. He was the last man I fell really hard for but it didn't work out due to reasons I mentioned in the April post. We sporadically kept in touch since we stopped seeing each other but I hadn't talked to him for months until... July 4th.
I was at home reading a book and waiting for my roommates 4th of July party to kick in when my cell rang. As I gazed down at the number calling me, it took 2 seconds to register that it was him. Here is an excerpt of the convo:
Me: Hello.
Him: Hi, it's ____.
Me: Oh, hey. (long pause) Um, how's it going?
Him: Good. How are you?
Me: Great, just great. Did you graduate?
Him: No, not yet.
Me: Oh, bummer.
Him: (Insert nervous laughter) This is my last quarter though. Sooooo, what are you doing right now?
Me: Why?
Him: I was wondering if we could hang out today?
Did he seriously think he could just call me at the drop of a hat to hang out and I would drop everything on a freaking holiday to see his trifling behind. Of course that is not what I said to him although I really do need to find a way to channel the "psycho-bitch" persona for moments like this.
Me: I kinda have plans being it's 4th of July today.
Him: Oh right, I forgot about the holiday. We don't celebrate it in my country.
Me: Well, we do here.
Him: I just wanted to know if I could take you out for coffee sometime so we could catch up.
What could we possibly have to catch up on?
Me: Sure. How about Sunday?
Him: Perfect. I'll pick you up at 3.
Did I just agree to meet him that fast.
Me: I'll just meet you at the Starbucks down the street.
Him: No, no. I'll come and get you.
Me: Fine. Ok, bye.
Him: See ya on Sunday.
I hang up the phone and wonder what the hell just happened here? I wasn't really expecting to ever see my ghost again. My mind starts taking off in a million different directions. Does he want to be friends now? Or God forbid, does he need to tell me he has an STD?
Sunday rolls around and he calls me at 3 to tell me he is on his way. Damn, I was almost hoping he bailed. Five minutes later (yes, we live that close), he calls and says he is outside my house. You know what's crazy, I was straight up nervous. Not because I was so excited to see him or anything but I was still worried about why he wanted to see me.
Anyways, I walk outside but I do not see his black Mustang. I scan my head from side to side but I don't see him. I pull my cell out to call him and then I see a shiny new Lexus pull out from one of the parking spaces and drive right in front of me. He waves and I get into the car.
Me: Hey. I didn't notice you in the new car.
Him: Oh, yeah I just got it.
Me: Why did you get a Lexus?
Him: Cause it's reliable
More like, I bought the shiny new Lexus to compensate for what I am lacking emotionally.
Me: Reliable? Uh, okay.
Him: Have you lost weight?
Me: (I smile to myself) Oh, you can tell?
I know my weight loss is obvious since I haven't seen him in awhile but isn't it fun to play along.
Him: Yeah, you look much thinner. Why are you losing weight?
Duh, cause I want to look hot!
Me: Cause I need to get healthy now that I am getting older.
Him: I guess that's good.
By this time we are at Starbucks cause it is seriously only 2 minutes from both of our houses. So you see, there was no need for him to pick me up except to show off his shiny new Lexus. I guess he never figured out that I am not materialistic.
I sit on the patio as he gets our iced coffees. He saunters out looking like he owns the world and sits the coffee down.
Me: Thanks.
Him: Sure. So, how have you been?
Me: Really good.
Him: How is work?
Me: Actually, I am doing very well. I quit my day job and I am finally building up my financial services business right now and I love it!!
Him: Wow, things have really picked up for you. That's great.
Okay, in cases like this, I totally advocate bending the truth just a wee bit. There is no need for him to know that I was laid off from my day job, that my financial services business is starving for clients right now and that unemployment was my only source of income at the time.
Me: Yes, life is great.
Him: Are you dating anyone?
Damn, you waste no time in getting to the personal questions.
Me: At this very moment, no. I dated one guy earlier this year but it didn't work out.
Him: Oh. What are you looking for?
Haven't I told you this like 3 times before and yet you still ask the same question.
Me: A serious relationship; not a casual one.
Him: Then why don't you get a boyfriend?
Like it's that easy to find someone who you connect with physically, spiritually and emotionally.
Me: Well, I don't want a boyfriend just to have one. I want him to be the right person.
Him: You know what, you should get married!
What the fuck?? Okay, I have no idea what is going on in this conversation right now and no, I am not making any of this up.
Me: Dude, slowwww down. Why u trying to marry me off? Do I look like the marrying type?
Him: No but what do I know.
How do you know I am not 100% keen on marriage; time to get the spotlight off of me.
Me: Are you dating anyone?
Him: No, no time.
Me: Well, are you fucking anyone?
Him: (Nervous Laughter) Umm, yeah. You know booty calls.
Nice to hear you are still living a shallow existence.
Me: Do you ever want to be in a relationship?
Him: Yes but not right now. I have to focus on my career right now.
Still singing the same song I see.
Me: Why did you call me?
Him: Because I miss you.
Crap, I wasn't expecting him to say that. There was a long pause right here cause I really had no idea what to say. I kinda missed him too but not in the "I want to be your girlfriend" type of way.
Me: Oh. Well, I miss talking to you sometimes.
Him: Me too. I always thought you were a very nice person.
By this time we have finished our coffee and are back in the car driving me home. We are silent for the full 2 minutes it takes to get back. He pulls up slowly in the front of my gate.
Me: It was good seeing ya and good luck with school.
Him: Good to see you too and thanks. See you next time.
Me: Yeah, next time.
So that was how my meeting with the ghost went. It was kind of weird seeing him but nice in a way. He looked even better than I remembered but I always thought he was hot. We haven't spoken since that day and I am not so sure there will be a next time. I'm not really sure I want there to be a next time. Some things are better left in the past. On the bright side, at least he didn't tell him he had an STD....
P.S To all my friends who are saying, "This happened in July and you are just now telling us in August!" You know it takes me awhile to digest situations that happen in my life before I can completely spill my guts about it. Besides, I am like this in "real life", so why would you expect anything different in "blogland"...
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Ghost From The Past - Part 2
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Getting Back Into The Game - I Think...
I've been debating for the past 2 months about putting my profile back on a dating website. I haven't been online since June 06' and I haven't gone on a date since February 07'. I am starting to get the itch of wanting to date but I am hesitant to get back out there due to my lackluster dating history. I tend to attract the sweet, kind and nice men that tend to bore me 95% of time. Whether I meet them online, at a party or a club, it's the same dude. Whether they are black, white, yellow or blue(ain't it funny how people always say yellow or blue when describing races!), it's the same dude. They say we attract what we put out there so maybe I am sweet, kind and boring! (Gasp).
Although I don't think that is necessarily the entire sum of it. I was watching reruns of Oprah yesterday and it was an episode about love. Angela Bassett and Courtney B. Vance were talking about their love story and how they were friends first before they became lovers. They went to the same college but didn't personally know each other. 10 years later, they ran into each other in Hollywood and got together for a date. She said she thought he was, "sweet, kind and boring" after the date and decided he wasn't her type. She put him in the friend category but they ended up falling in love later down the line. She said after they really got to know each other, they realized they were soulmates. I thought their story was cute; it gives you hope that maybe the boring guy really can turn out to be the prince if you give him a chance.
Her and Oprah said it takes a certain maturity to get past the,"Oh my god he is boring" mentality. Maybe while we are young, we want constant excitement to stem from relationships with men, be it positive or negative. We overlook the nature of the persons heart and immediately look at personality flaws he might have. It's funny, when I ask my mom what attracted her so much to my dad, she always says, "I knew he had a good heart and would always love me". My dad has a list of boring qualities I don't care to name but instead, she looked at his heart. Maybe these older women are on to something...
In the past, I have dismissed many men who I thought were boring but now, I'm planning on being more open in the future. I don't plan on settling but I hope to at least fully get to know someone before I make a decision about him not being for me. I'll let all you darlings know what happens once I get back in the game.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Mental Break
I have been gone yet again for 3 months here in blogland but I have returned with more interesting stories to share. First off, I lost my job at the production company end of May. Now I can say/write it with such ease but when it happened, I was a bit distraught. Not because I loved the job so much but I depended on the paycheck. I only had a little savings so I kept wondering where money would come from after it ran out because it sure ain't falling from the sky. I knew I could call on my parents once my banking account hit $0 but it's so hard to ask for handouts when you are almost 30. My parents were married and had a mortgage when they were my age and never had to ask their parents for money by then. And kids are supposed to do better than their parents; I guess I missed that memo!
Anywhoo, luckily I got unemployment which afforded me some much needed time off. All in all, I had 7 weeks of not reporting to any job. I must say, it was fabulous!! I got to have a little taste of what my life would be like if I could make a living as a writer. I woke up every day and felt free and I haven't felt that way in a long time. All of the free time allowed me to think about myself and my needs and the changes I need to make in my life. Unfortunately, when you are working, it's too hard to sit down and really meditate on the course of your life and the direction you want to take. We get so bogged down with what everyone else needs and forget that we have to take care of ourselves first.
My mental break was fun but every good thing must come to an end, right? I decided to get a temporary gig until I build up my financial services business. Building up my client base is definitely not a piece of cake but I'm thinking the benefits will be great in the end. The temp gig is really easy and just what I need; it still allows me to feel free since I am not locked into a permanent contract.
My mom always says, every "bad" thing that happens to us in our life is not necessarily bad. Losing my job was actually the best thing that happened to me this year because I gained so much peace and clarity from it.
Friendships
I went out dancing on Saturday night to a place I used to frequent a lot when I was younger. This particular club had a grand opening because they haven't been at this venue in years, so I saw a lot of old faces that I hadn't seen since I left the party scene. Back in the day, my friends and I went to this same spot every weekend and congregated with the same people. In a sense we built a community of friends at this place.
This past weekend got me to thinking about how people come in and out of your life. I once read this poem about how everyone you ever meet has a certain season in your life. Some are meant to stay just for a little while and others for a lifetime. For me, my circle of friends changes every 5-6 years. It's been this way since I was 6 years old. I moved around quite a bit as a child so I learned early on that people don't last forever in your life. Although I understood this concept as a child, my idealist mentality still has a hard time accepting it. Sometimes I just wish friendships would never change but I know that is ridiculously impractical. Life experiences make us grow in different ways which makes us grow apart in some cases. All of a sudden, you start to realize you have absolutely nothing in common with the person you used to have everything in common with.
Even when past friends have left my circle, I always like to think that we will keep in touch but it doesn't always work out that way. I have lost some friends I never thought I would have lost which brought me to tears in some cases. Now, I just try and enjoy the present as much I can with my friends because I never know when their time is going to expire in my life.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Ghost From The Past
I just saw a ghost from the past. I was bored after lunch today and decided to peruse dating websites and came across a face I recognize. Seeing his face conjured up all of the crazy emotions I felt for him last year but what surprised me the most was my sadness in seeing him searching for someone new.
The short time we spent together seemed so special to me. He was sweet, kind and attentive. It's not that I had never met anyone that treated me well before, but I never had felt so strongly for someone else. I didn't know a happiness of that kind existed. Whether we were in a dancehall surrounded by hundreds of people or sitting alone in each other's presence, I was happy. When I was with him, time literally stopped and I lived in the present instead of the past or future. In the hours we spent together, I focused all of my attention on him and didn't think about anyone or anything else and it felt good.
We only lasted for a few months. I could only take his busy schedule and lack of emotion for so long before I felt like I was losing it. He used his schedule as an excuse of not being able to be in a committed relationship but I knew that was only half true. He hadn't quite made up his mind if he fully wanted to be with me and I sensed that he still wanted to play the field. Right around this time, I read a book on relationships and the Author said something that opened my eyes. He said, "If a man is not sure what he wants in a relationship, he usually doesn't want you". Soon after, I told him that I didn't want to casually date anymore because I needed more. I could foresee my heart getting broken eventually down the road and I didn't want to go there.
Even after we stopped dating, we still kept in touch. He would sporadically call just to see how I was doing. I kept answering the phone calls because apart of me still had hope that maybe it could all work out in the end. Maybe he would wake up one day and realize I was everything he needed to make his life complete. But that is not so because today I saw that the search is back on for him. He is out there searching for someone else to make him happy and apart of me hopes that he really does find it. But the other part of me can't help but wonder, why not me?
Friday, April 6, 2007
Fillers
I had a conversation with a friend of mine last week and as usual, the conversation rolled around to who each other is seeing at the moment. Me: No One. Him: Same Girl he has mentioned over and over for the past month. So I ask him, "Are you really into her"? He replies, "She is a nice girl but she is just a filler". A What??? He says, "You know, someone to spend time with until the right person comes along". I say, "Hmmm, yeah". But I feel sorry for the poor girl because she has no idea that this courtship with him is going absolutely nowhere.
We get off the phone and I start to think of all my failed courtships with guys I was soooo into and realize that I was just their fillers. I get mad at even giving these guys my precious time but then a voice says, "You've also done this to countless people". Crap, there goes my subconscious making me aware of my own behaviour. Don't you hate that. Why is it that we don't think twice about making another human being our filler but as soon as someone does it to us, we are all up in arms over it? Maybe when we are behind the steering wheel, we become blind to how our actions could potentially make the other person feel awful. We say, "I'll never do that to someone again", but we do, over and over again. Why is that?
I know in my case, it's so hard for me to let others down. So, if I tell a guy who is a filler that I'm just buying time with him till the right person comes along, I feel like I disappointed him or hurt his feelings. Not wanting to hurt his feelings is only part of the reason why I am not completely honest though. Maybe I am not truthful in these types of situations because if I choose to be totally upfront with the person, then I would be forced to see myself as someone that goes around playing with people's emotions. Lord knows the truth can be very ugly sometimes.
It all seems like a vicious merry-go-around; I play with someone's emotions and someone plays with mine. Maybe one day I will get tired of the merry-go-round and decide to jump off...
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Tackling Fear
How many times have we heard the phrase, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself"? If you are like me, then it's something you have heard all of your life. From parents to friends to church authorities and even actors on TV, this statement seems to be blasted from just about everywhere. People akin taking control over fear in your life to baking a box cake when it's more like baking a cheesecake.
I have been thinking about the concept of fear a lot lately because I am beginning to sink my feet more in a career that should eventually propel me into becoming a business owner. Problem is, I never really saw myself as a leader. I don't exactly enjoy being a follower either but having to take on the leader position seems a little frightening. When I was young, my goal was to find a career that would allow me to create a nice little niche in between the follower and the leader. But life never works out as we planned. I struggle at what blocks my vision at seeing myself as a leader and the only thing I can think of is Fear. Sometimes it's fear of failure but mainly it's fear of the unknown. Someone once told me that a sign of personal growth is when you welcome the unknown and make the best of whatever outcome you get. Even if you fail miserably at the task at hand, you didn't let fear win.
I think tackling fear will be a life-long journey but hopefully at the end of the road, I can look back and see that I didn't let it win in the end.
