I have been gone yet again for 3 months here in blogland but I have returned with more interesting stories to share. First off, I lost my job at the production company end of May. Now I can say/write it with such ease but when it happened, I was a bit distraught. Not because I loved the job so much but I depended on the paycheck. I only had a little savings so I kept wondering where money would come from after it ran out because it sure ain't falling from the sky. I knew I could call on my parents once my banking account hit $0 but it's so hard to ask for handouts when you are almost 30. My parents were married and had a mortgage when they were my age and never had to ask their parents for money by then. And kids are supposed to do better than their parents; I guess I missed that memo!
Anywhoo, luckily I got unemployment which afforded me some much needed time off. All in all, I had 7 weeks of not reporting to any job. I must say, it was fabulous!! I got to have a little taste of what my life would be like if I could make a living as a writer. I woke up every day and felt free and I haven't felt that way in a long time. All of the free time allowed me to think about myself and my needs and the changes I need to make in my life. Unfortunately, when you are working, it's too hard to sit down and really meditate on the course of your life and the direction you want to take. We get so bogged down with what everyone else needs and forget that we have to take care of ourselves first.
My mental break was fun but every good thing must come to an end, right? I decided to get a temporary gig until I build up my financial services business. Building up my client base is definitely not a piece of cake but I'm thinking the benefits will be great in the end. The temp gig is really easy and just what I need; it still allows me to feel free since I am not locked into a permanent contract.
My mom always says, every "bad" thing that happens to us in our life is not necessarily bad. Losing my job was actually the best thing that happened to me this year because I gained so much peace and clarity from it.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Mental Break
Friendships
I went out dancing on Saturday night to a place I used to frequent a lot when I was younger. This particular club had a grand opening because they haven't been at this venue in years, so I saw a lot of old faces that I hadn't seen since I left the party scene. Back in the day, my friends and I went to this same spot every weekend and congregated with the same people. In a sense we built a community of friends at this place.
This past weekend got me to thinking about how people come in and out of your life. I once read this poem about how everyone you ever meet has a certain season in your life. Some are meant to stay just for a little while and others for a lifetime. For me, my circle of friends changes every 5-6 years. It's been this way since I was 6 years old. I moved around quite a bit as a child so I learned early on that people don't last forever in your life. Although I understood this concept as a child, my idealist mentality still has a hard time accepting it. Sometimes I just wish friendships would never change but I know that is ridiculously impractical. Life experiences make us grow in different ways which makes us grow apart in some cases. All of a sudden, you start to realize you have absolutely nothing in common with the person you used to have everything in common with.
Even when past friends have left my circle, I always like to think that we will keep in touch but it doesn't always work out that way. I have lost some friends I never thought I would have lost which brought me to tears in some cases. Now, I just try and enjoy the present as much I can with my friends because I never know when their time is going to expire in my life.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Ghost From The Past
I just saw a ghost from the past. I was bored after lunch today and decided to peruse dating websites and came across a face I recognize. Seeing his face conjured up all of the crazy emotions I felt for him last year but what surprised me the most was my sadness in seeing him searching for someone new.
The short time we spent together seemed so special to me. He was sweet, kind and attentive. It's not that I had never met anyone that treated me well before, but I never had felt so strongly for someone else. I didn't know a happiness of that kind existed. Whether we were in a dancehall surrounded by hundreds of people or sitting alone in each other's presence, I was happy. When I was with him, time literally stopped and I lived in the present instead of the past or future. In the hours we spent together, I focused all of my attention on him and didn't think about anyone or anything else and it felt good.
We only lasted for a few months. I could only take his busy schedule and lack of emotion for so long before I felt like I was losing it. He used his schedule as an excuse of not being able to be in a committed relationship but I knew that was only half true. He hadn't quite made up his mind if he fully wanted to be with me and I sensed that he still wanted to play the field. Right around this time, I read a book on relationships and the Author said something that opened my eyes. He said, "If a man is not sure what he wants in a relationship, he usually doesn't want you". Soon after, I told him that I didn't want to casually date anymore because I needed more. I could foresee my heart getting broken eventually down the road and I didn't want to go there.
Even after we stopped dating, we still kept in touch. He would sporadically call just to see how I was doing. I kept answering the phone calls because apart of me still had hope that maybe it could all work out in the end. Maybe he would wake up one day and realize I was everything he needed to make his life complete. But that is not so because today I saw that the search is back on for him. He is out there searching for someone else to make him happy and apart of me hopes that he really does find it. But the other part of me can't help but wonder, why not me?
Friday, April 6, 2007
Fillers
I had a conversation with a friend of mine last week and as usual, the conversation rolled around to who each other is seeing at the moment. Me: No One. Him: Same Girl he has mentioned over and over for the past month. So I ask him, "Are you really into her"? He replies, "She is a nice girl but she is just a filler". A What??? He says, "You know, someone to spend time with until the right person comes along". I say, "Hmmm, yeah". But I feel sorry for the poor girl because she has no idea that this courtship with him is going absolutely nowhere.
We get off the phone and I start to think of all my failed courtships with guys I was soooo into and realize that I was just their fillers. I get mad at even giving these guys my precious time but then a voice says, "You've also done this to countless people". Crap, there goes my subconscious making me aware of my own behaviour. Don't you hate that. Why is it that we don't think twice about making another human being our filler but as soon as someone does it to us, we are all up in arms over it? Maybe when we are behind the steering wheel, we become blind to how our actions could potentially make the other person feel awful. We say, "I'll never do that to someone again", but we do, over and over again. Why is that?
I know in my case, it's so hard for me to let others down. So, if I tell a guy who is a filler that I'm just buying time with him till the right person comes along, I feel like I disappointed him or hurt his feelings. Not wanting to hurt his feelings is only part of the reason why I am not completely honest though. Maybe I am not truthful in these types of situations because if I choose to be totally upfront with the person, then I would be forced to see myself as someone that goes around playing with people's emotions. Lord knows the truth can be very ugly sometimes.
It all seems like a vicious merry-go-around; I play with someone's emotions and someone plays with mine. Maybe one day I will get tired of the merry-go-round and decide to jump off...
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Tackling Fear
How many times have we heard the phrase, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself"? If you are like me, then it's something you have heard all of your life. From parents to friends to church authorities and even actors on TV, this statement seems to be blasted from just about everywhere. People akin taking control over fear in your life to baking a box cake when it's more like baking a cheesecake.
I have been thinking about the concept of fear a lot lately because I am beginning to sink my feet more in a career that should eventually propel me into becoming a business owner. Problem is, I never really saw myself as a leader. I don't exactly enjoy being a follower either but having to take on the leader position seems a little frightening. When I was young, my goal was to find a career that would allow me to create a nice little niche in between the follower and the leader. But life never works out as we planned. I struggle at what blocks my vision at seeing myself as a leader and the only thing I can think of is Fear. Sometimes it's fear of failure but mainly it's fear of the unknown. Someone once told me that a sign of personal growth is when you welcome the unknown and make the best of whatever outcome you get. Even if you fail miserably at the task at hand, you didn't let fear win.
I think tackling fear will be a life-long journey but hopefully at the end of the road, I can look back and see that I didn't let it win in the end.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Fessing Up
If you have been following this blog, I mentioned back in February that I was going to try a Vegan Lifestyle for a month. Well, that never happened. I definitely had a few Vegan days but not 30 days in a row. Usually, I am disappointed when I fail at something I try. Not this time. Going from Carnivore to Vegan is definitely a lofty goal and I am learning to start making more attainable goals first in order to achieve true success at whatever goals I am setting.
So instead of becoming a Vegan for 30 days, I decided to eat all organic food from now on. This goal is much easier because I am not depriving myself from any particular foods; I just have to eat the healthy organic versions. In the beginning, buying organic made me feel like I would never be able to have a social life again due to the extra expense but I am actually saving money. Go figure! Now, I have to eat the fruits and veggies I buy instead of letting them go to waste like I did in the past because not eating them is like throwing a crisp $50 bill out the window. Also, spending more money on groceries forces me to eat most of my meals at home. In the past 7 weeks, eating organic has become a way of life for me and now I can't imagine eating any other way. It is virtually impossible to eat organic all of the time but for the most part, I have stuck to it.
The other thing I am fessing up about today is cigarettes. I quit smoking cold turkey 7 weeks ago but I have smoked since I initially quit. I haven't smoked nearly as much as I used to smoke but I have had at least 2 packs within the past 7 weeks. I take that as progress though and I still say that I am a non-smoker because I really do believe words have power. What I learned most about trying to live a clean lifestyle is that it will not happen overnight. It took me a long time to accumulate these bad habits so I have to be patient with myself in getting rid of them.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
I Was Only Gone For A Minute
Today I took one of those cheesy "What soul are you?" quizzes and one line from it stuck with me. It said I rarely finish things that I start. Of course I am not surprised but a little stubborn to admit that this is so true. I logged back onto this site today to see that it has been over a month since I last blogged.
To my defense, life did get a little all too consuming and blogging didn't seem so urgent. But, it is fun to write about my wacky feelings on here and then go back months later and reread it to see what "place" I was in emotionally when I initally wrote it.
The past 6 weeks have been quite interesting. I have been able to reconnect with faraway friends, discover a love for a new career I am digging deeper into and I have really started to be more proactive to get the things that I want out of life. I used to focus so much on everything I didn't have in life and although I didn't complain to outsiders, I sure did complain a lot to myself and to God. Why this and why that? Why him/her and why not me? I now realize how this train of thought sounds so pathetic but the complaining allowed me to make excuses for not having the things that I want out of life. So now, instead of complaining about what I don't have, I carve new paths on how I will get it.
As soon as I changed my thought process, I started waking up everyday happy and ready to tackle the world. I kept thinking to myself, why am I so happy? Then it dawned on me. I am not complaining anymore or at least 95% of the time I am not. It's a relief I tell you. Now, when something bad happens to me that I have no control over, I say with fervor, "So What". Those two smalls words don't sound powerful but they really are. Just saying them makes me feel like I make the decision whether or not to let something affect me in a negative way and drag me back to the world of complaining. Alright guys, that's enough peeping into my psyche for now. I was only gone for a minute but now I am back!
