Ghost From The Past

I just saw a ghost from the past. I was bored after lunch today and decided to peruse dating websites and came across a face I recognize. Seeing his face conjured up all of the crazy emotions I felt for him last year but what surprised me the most was my sadness in seeing him searching for someone new.

The short time we spent together seemed so special to me. He was sweet, kind and attentive. It's not that I had never met anyone that treated me well before, but I never had felt so strongly for someone else. I didn't know a happiness of that kind existed. Whether we were in a dancehall surrounded by hundreds of people or sitting alone in each other's presence, I was happy. When I was with him, time literally stopped and I lived in the present instead of the past or future. In the hours we spent together, I focused all of my attention on him and didn't think about anyone or anything else and it felt good.

We only lasted for a few months. I could only take his busy schedule and lack of emotion for so long before I felt like I was losing it. He used his schedule as an excuse of not being able to be in a committed relationship but I knew that was only half true. He hadn't quite made up his mind if he fully wanted to be with me and I sensed that he still wanted to play the field. Right around this time, I read a book on relationships and the Author said something that opened my eyes. He said, "If a man is not sure what he wants in a relationship, he usually doesn't want you". Soon after, I told him that I didn't want to casually date anymore because I needed more. I could foresee my heart getting broken eventually down the road and I didn't want to go there.

Even after we stopped dating, we still kept in touch. He would sporadically call just to see how I was doing. I kept answering the phone calls because apart of me still had hope that maybe it could all work out in the end. Maybe he would wake up one day and realize I was everything he needed to make his life complete. But that is not so because today I saw that the search is back on for him. He is out there searching for someone else to make him happy and apart of me hopes that he really does find it. But the other part of me can't help but wonder, why not me?

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Fillers

I had a conversation with a friend of mine last week and as usual, the conversation rolled around to who each other is seeing at the moment. Me: No One. Him: Same Girl he has mentioned over and over for the past month. So I ask him, "Are you really into her"? He replies, "She is a nice girl but she is just a filler". A What??? He says, "You know, someone to spend time with until the right person comes along". I say, "Hmmm, yeah". But I feel sorry for the poor girl because she has no idea that this courtship with him is going absolutely nowhere.

We get off the phone and I start to think of all my failed courtships with guys I was soooo into and realize that I was just their fillers. I get mad at even giving these guys my precious time but then a voice says, "You've also done this to countless people". Crap, there goes my subconscious making me aware of my own behaviour. Don't you hate that. Why is it that we don't think twice about making another human being our filler but as soon as someone does it to us, we are all up in arms over it? Maybe when we are behind the steering wheel, we become blind to how our actions could potentially make the other person feel awful. We say, "I'll never do that to someone again", but we do, over and over again. Why is that?

I know in my case, it's so hard for me to let others down. So, if I tell a guy who is a filler that I'm just buying time with him till the right person comes along, I feel like I disappointed him or hurt his feelings. Not wanting to hurt his feelings is only part of the reason why I am not completely honest though. Maybe I am not truthful in these types of situations because if I choose to be totally upfront with the person, then I would be forced to see myself as someone that goes around playing with people's emotions. Lord knows the truth can be very ugly sometimes.

It all seems like a vicious merry-go-around; I play with someone's emotions and someone plays with mine. Maybe one day I will get tired of the merry-go-round and decide to jump off...

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Tackling Fear

How many times have we heard the phrase, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself"? If you are like me, then it's something you have heard all of your life. From parents to friends to church authorities and even actors on TV, this statement seems to be blasted from just about everywhere. People akin taking control over fear in your life to baking a box cake when it's more like baking a cheesecake.

I have been thinking about the concept of fear a lot lately because I am beginning to sink my feet more in a career that should eventually propel me into becoming a business owner. Problem is, I never really saw myself as a leader. I don't exactly enjoy being a follower either but having to take on the leader position seems a little frightening. When I was young, my goal was to find a career that would allow me to create a nice little niche in between the follower and the leader. But life never works out as we planned. I struggle at what blocks my vision at seeing myself as a leader and the only thing I can think of is Fear. Sometimes it's fear of failure but mainly it's fear of the unknown. Someone once told me that a sign of personal growth is when you welcome the unknown and make the best of whatever outcome you get. Even if you fail miserably at the task at hand, you didn't let fear win.

I think tackling fear will be a life-long journey but hopefully at the end of the road, I can look back and see that I didn't let it win in the end.

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